This is the reason for dreaming...

I don't understand how I can go from having one of the best weekends in a while to having the worst Monday ever. And I mean seriously.

This weekend, I met this guy, Josh, on Thursday and I gave him my number not expecting much because that's how I am. So then he friends me on facebook and an hour later IMs me and then asked if I wanted to go out Saturday night. This was like, so amazing cuz I'm usually the one doing the work with these situations. So we went out and it was a great night. We talked for hours and I just really like this guy. Then I also got to see Alley a couple times, which was nice since I'm lucky if I get out once a month let alone twice in one weekend.

So then Monday happens. Not only am I severely sleep deprived and I feel sick, but I have to work. So I'm heading into work and my sister calls me telling me my Grammy who has been in the hospital for weeks isn't doing well and needs emergency surgery, and she'll let me know how it goes. So I get to work and realize I forgot my apron, so I go to ask my manager, Ben, if I can borrow one and Lacey texts me saying my Grammy died....

So needless to say it was a shitty night all around but I still had to work. I just don't even know what to do. Aside from Henry I've never really had anyone I know die let alone my grandmother. And it's complicated enough because she's my dad's mom, and I haven't seen/talked to him or his side of the family in like 2 years. I just keep crying and I'm trying to let this all sink in. I do know that I'm going to the funeral and stuff though for my sister if nothing else. Just because I don't like my dad and don't want to see him doesn't mean I'd let that jeopardize me caring for my sister. That much I know.

I'm just trying to stay busy right now so I don't have to think too much. I clearly didn't sleep last night and I know my brother is upset but he won't say anything about it. So we'll see what happens.

So I FINALLY got a job, even though so far it's kicking my ass. I'm in training until like, next year, lol. But I'm working in the cafe at Borders, and there is a looooooot to learn, especially since I don't drink coffee so I know like nothing about it at all. But this place is just very particular about everything so i have a lot to learn. If I could bring my training manual home then I would have an easier time, but I'm not allowed to, which sucks for times when I go in and my manager, Ben, quizzes me on stuff from the day before as soon as I get there. I can hardly ever answer his technicality questions so I feel like I'm not retaining any information unless it's something I've physically done, which I'm not at that point yet. I'm just hoping I pick all this up because it's a lot of stuff to memorize. But it's money, so I'm going to make myself do it somehow.

I'm 100% broke right now. Well no, I think I have like 5 bucks in quarters from tips, lol. Luckily I get paid tomorrow. Unluckily, I have to pay my phone bill, buy work clothes, etc etc. so I doubt that paycheck will last long and I don't get paid for 2 weeks. I'll get there though, we're just trying to get back on our feet right now so money is tight.

I have been sleeping like next to nothing lately, it's ridiculous. I'm always so exhausted when I go to bed and then I just lay there for hours and hours. Last night I think i slept for an hour. Maybe. And the little I do sleep I have these really weird, screwy dreams, usually involving something in my life at the time, but usually just very strange or scary. So much fun. I think it's just stress though, because I worry a lot about everything so then I stress so then I don't sleep, don't eat right, and my acne breaks out like crazy like it has been lately. It's super fun times. I think getting a job will eventually help my stress level, but right now it's adding to it cuz it's all new and crazy. So hopefully soon I'll be less stressed, lol. I hope.

So one of my loans has been a major pain in the ass for the last month or so. I haven't received a single bill or notice or anything from them since I received the loan in 2007, then they magically send me a letter/email/phone calls starting about a month ago being like "hey you owe us a shit ton of money, start paying up". So I call them and the guy tells me I have to fill out this form online and mail it is. So I do that. And yet they still call/send me mail/send me emails being mad at me. Then they send me the form in the mail that I already sent to them saying I should fill that out, so I fill it out AGAIN and send it it. Then I get an letter from them yesterday saying they got the forbearance form, but they can't process it unless my cosigner fills it out too. So this really pissed me off because 1) The man on the phone never said I had to have my cosigner fill it out and he was looking right at my loan account so he knew I had a cosigner, 2) nowhere on the form does it say I have to have my cosigner fill it out too, 3) I'm the one paying the stupid loan, so what does it matter about my cosigner anyway? and 4) my cosigner would be my dad... who i haven't been in contact with in 2 years... so needless to say I was really not happy that I had to contact him because of my stupid loan. So I was not a happy person yesterday and I want to stab this loan in the face so badly.

My other main problem lately is I don't know when I became this girl that guys feel they can just mess with whenever they want, but I'm really really sick of it. I'm getting to the point where I'm afraid to date anyone who asks because I feel like I'll just get screwed over again like I have the past, oh, 5 times or so. I already have enough trust issues on my own, I don't need to add more just because I happen to date these assholes who don't know what they want. Or they do know what they want and just have a really screwed up way of showing it. News flash guys: if you never see the girl you're "dating", then you're not actually dating so you can't expect anything. You have to actually see the person to expect anything in terms of like, say, relationship. Oh and also? Mentioning marriage, whether jokingly or not, isn't a very good idea if you're not even in a steady relationship with the girl. Yeah. That will just freak her out. Oy.

On a lighter note, I've been redoing my bedroom some. I rearranged the whole thing like last week and my mom & I are going to build me a new bed once we buy the wood for it. I also made a new curtain for my window yesterday since the sun is vicious in the morning. However, now the door that's in my room is releasing brightness, so I'll have to do something about that. I've been in a slow process of redecorating/reorganizing everything, but it'll be easier once we build the bed since half my stuff will go under there. I'm happy to be somewhat busy though since this job hunting business is driving me insane. Seriously though, 7 months and I've only had like, half a job basically? That's no good. I'm never going to accomplish any of my goals that way. I'm working on it though. I actually had an interview a few weeks ago, but that clearly didn't work out, so moving on. We'll see what happens though.

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... that is all...

Not much new to update, but figured I should right in here anyway.

I went with my mom, Hill & Nick to see Incubus last weekend. It was awesome as usual. They played all old stuff, only new song was a Prince cover, "Let's Go Crazy", so it was pretty sweet. It made me realize that I want to go to more concerts though seeing as how this was only my 4th one, 3rd time seeing Incubus, lol.

I got to see Reo this weekend too. We were supposed to hang out with other people, but no one came, so him & I just drank by ourselves & watched a couple movies. Relaxing night overall, which was nice.

I still can't find a job. It's so stressful. I've literally applied to 25 places in the past few months and still nothing. I'm starting to lose motivation in that area, which isn't good.

Boys are still stupid. Even more so now for trying to blame it on me not having a license that we haven't seen each other in a month. Right. Clearly that's the problem seeing as how I live 3 miles down the street.... I don't think so. So done.

I would just like to say that I love Entourage though, that show always makes me laugh no matter what my mood may be.

My kids have their final performance tomorrow for my theater program. They've been an absolutely insane bunch of girls who have consistently driven me crazy, so I'm a bit happy to be done. This summer's group was nothing at all like last summer's even though I have 4 of the same kids. Oh well, can't win them all I guess, lol.

Just some quick notes:

1) Boys are stupid, you know who you are
2) 10 & 11 year old girls wear me out on Tuesdays
3) sunburns hurt (duh, I know)
4) I need a job, cuz I need money, cuz none of my clothes fit.


that is all.

So my job sucks ass. Let alone the fact that I'm luck if i get one shift a week (which I haven't even been getting, only one every 2 weeks cuz they're slow) but also the 2 shifts I've had so far I've gotten sick at. My body likes to do this new thing where if I don't eat like a full meal every 2 or 3 hours then I get a really bad migraine. Then if I have a migraine long enough, I get nauseous. Then if i get nauseous, I get my dinner break, and then I just get sick.

Trying to get sick at work when you share bathrooms with hundreds of wedding guests plus the waitstaff without letting anyone know you're sick & then still do the rest of my job is not fun, let me tell you. I end up having a headache by like 730  or 8, don't get a dinnner break until 9 or 930 then get sick and then have to finish my shift. It's absolutely miserable and clearly not worth it since I still have no money.

So basically I'm trying to find another job and failing like before. I literally applied to 20 places before I went back to Morin's and got nothing back so I'm lucky if I can even find somewhere to apply right now that not only is somewhat near my house but also that will work around my weird schedule since I am working around my mom's work schedule. So basically almost impossible, lol.

I managed to get my loans pushed back a year though since I applied for a forbearance. The interest will go up, but honestly I'd rather have that and hopefully have money in a year than try to scrape together 220 a month for these loans. So that's one good things at least.

I have made no progress on the driving situation, which I need to get on top of since my permit expires August 30th. I'm starting to feel so frigging pathetic that I am 23 and can't drive and that my 3RD PERMIT is soon to expire. I just am nervous about it and everything so I dunno, it's a mess.

So the last fun thing is that I haven't been sleeping. I mean I normally sleep like crap in the sense that I wake up every couple hours and eventually get enough sleep, but lately I have been only sleeping in like 10 minute intervals so I've been completely exhausted. I don't know what is wrong but I just need sleep really badly. So, stop it brain, let me sleep, lol.

On a final note, I'm sort of dating someone, but I don't want to get into it yet cuz we've only hung out twice and I'm fully aware of my knack for jinxing these things. So it's mentioned, and we'll let it alone until a later time. :)

So a few small updates. I sort of have a job now. I say "sort of" because it's only 3 nights a week since I'm going off my sister's schedule so she can drive me, and she has been only getting 1 shift a week even with that. So basically it's only 1 shift a week, but it's 10 bucks an hour plus tips & travel, so it's better than nothing. I wasn't a huge fan of the catering company before when I worked for it, mainly because I would get really bad migraines every shift I worked, but it's money and I need it badly. I'm going to still try & get another job aside from that and see how that goes.

I'm also doing the childrens' theater program at the Norton Library again this summer, so that'll start up next month & end in August. So that's another 500 bucks which isn't too bad. As long as I have something coming in for money so I can pay my phone bill & help out that's really what I need right now. I obviously need more money to save up for a car & stuff but I'll take what I can get. Baby steps

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. For some reason it took 2 hours instead of 1 like they originally told me mom, but I guess it's cuz mine were really really impacted. Like, pushing my other teeth, hurting my mouth impacted. I wasn't too bad right after, only a little dizzy but not out of it. I haven't been bad in terms of being loopy since then either, but that's mostly because the vicodin they gave me isn't really helping. It's not only not making me loopy like I expected, but it's also not really helping the pain either. I took 3 in like a 6 hour period yesterday and I was still hurting, so I dunno.

Today my face is all swollen up & I can barely open my mouth, so eating has been a bit of a challenge. I've basically just been sitting on my couch watching movies since yesterday. Last night I watched He's Just Not That Into You and 17 Again, and today I'm sorry to say I watched High School Musical 1 & 2. They're so simple I don't have to think & they were free online, so whatever, lol. I got a few movies from the library to watch too, so I should be good for a few days.

I won't be starting at the catering company for a couple weeks since i have to recover, so until then I'll be bored as usual. I can't even clean right now, lol which is pretty sad. I'm just glad I'm not as out of it as i thought I would be. I could do without the pain though, that would be helpful ever so much.

Let's see what have I done lately... well I have this new fabulous job, got my driver's license and a car and am dating this really hot guy!


.... oh wait, that's someone else's life, how silly of me! haha

My life lately hasn't changed much. I've applied to more jobs, FYE, the Gap & Old Navy, and then I have applications for my gym, TJ Maxx, Marshalls and Home Goods or whatever it's called. Getting hired at the gym would actually be the ideal situation but I don't think that will happen since they just hired someone. But we'll see.

This weekend I went with the youth group to play paintball. I was a little worried about this since i bruise if you look at me funny let alone being shot with paintballs, but I didn't actually get directly hit on my skin so it turned out ok. My brother has welts all over him but he was in a sleeveless shirt playing and he's vicious about these kinds of things so I'm not really surprised, lol. He got a couple head shots too. I got hit in the face mask, but that didn't hurt one bit. Just got paint in the mouth which wasn't fun. I even got to mildly flirt with one of the guys who worked there, so it was an ok day lol.

I am so exhausted though because we had a gym day, which we haven't been in like 2 weeks and I did way too much so i was hurting from that, then did yard work friday, and then had paintball saturday. On top of that I haven't been sleeping, so my body just hates me. I've been getting bad migraines almost every night on top of that. Sweet life. Hopefully that will be regulated soon. Especially since I'm getting my wisdom teeth out in a couple weeks so I'm going to be nice and out of it/starved for food at that point lol.

I applied to 3 more jobs today and a few more last week, so we'll see how that goes. The mall was hiring at a few places so I scooted over there today to fill some out & now my neck hurts from hovering over counter tops to do so, lol. On an upside I FINALLY got my refund check in so I can pay my phone bill now & buy make-up that I have been needed for months now. Thank you state of Mass for finally giving me my measly 100 bucks. I'm sorry you had to part with it. So hopefully I'll hear back from one of those places. I'm going to call them in a couple weeks regardless because I need monies wicked wicked wicked wicked bad. Like for reals now. So I'd just like some employment por favor. Thanks muchly.

On another note, I think my LJ is cursed because anytime I write about the boy in here, the exact opposite happens the next day without fail no matter what happened or what I have planned or whatever. So no more of that, I don't need a curse. My mom suggested I should only write the bad things because then good things happen the next day, but something tells me that will just cause problems I don't need for some reason, lol.

So still no job. I finally found out when I'm getting my wisdom teeth out so I can work around that now, but still no job. I've applied to a few more, but I'm going to have to physically go to some places to apply, which takes some finessing with how much is going on lately. Hopefully I can swing it though because not only do I for reals need money, but I would like to feel some sense of accomplishment. It's come to my realization lately that i basically live the life of a housewife with 2 kids since I clean the house & deal with the siblings all day. Not really what I had planned for when I graduated at all, so I'm working on fixing that.

I've come to realize that anytime I mention anything about the boy in here then they immediately change to the opposite, but since I already have plans with him tomorrow I'm just going to say that things are very good right now. We've been "dating" for a month now, so I'm not quite sure what that means or when/if that will change, but I'm just accepting the good in it right now and I'll leave it at that.

Otherwise I honestly haven't been doing much. I made a skirt the other day since i was bored. It took me like twice as long to finish it as it should have since i kept messing up the waist but it came out pretty good. I also had to dye my hair again, not only because my roots were like 1.5-2 inches showing but also because the water in my house seems to have a knack for turning bleached hair green. How lovely that was to deal with. So although I liked it blond, my water supply doesn't want to allow that. So I dyed it like a really dark blond/light brown, but the blond didn't cover that well and I'm afraid it will turn green again. So if it does I'm going to dye it darker. But we'll see.

On a good note, I've been reading a lot, lol. I've read about 20 something books since I've been home already which is kinda nuts. I probably could have read more too but I have to keep finding more I want to read so I'm trying to take it easy a bit. I've read some really messed up ones too, but they were pretty good.

And now that you're all asleep from my boring life, I'm done for now. :)

So my last entry was basically pointless. And I realize I'm connecting my entries lately and not all that frequently so it's causing you all to read this and either go "wait what last entry" and then go look for it to read, or just move on and hope you remember what it said, so for that, I'm sorry, lol.

But anyways, last night I went to bwater to my friend's toga party, which was a lot of fun. My toga came out pretty sweet for being made at last minute and out of 2 pieces of material since I didn't have one long enough. It was purple and pretty comfy and I even had grape earrings to complete the look, all in all I was pretty happy with how it turned out.

I had a lot a lot of fun at the party too. I was worried about going because the last few times I've been up to bwater I ended up in a bad mood by the end of the night, but Alley made me realize that Nick invited me, not Mike, and I had a way to get there and I shouldn't let old drama and stupid people keep me away from the people I do want to see. So I went and got to see the people I really wanted to see all at once and it was wonderful. I had to see some people I didn't want to see as well, but they were fine, so no issues there.

So the last entry was pointless because I brought the aforementioned boy, Ryan, with me to the party since we talked the other night and kind of cleared things up. We've talked 3 times this week before the party was even discussed, each conversation going longer that the last, the most being 4 hours. So pretty good I'd say. So I asked him to come to the party with me, figured I'd take initiative, and he brought his friend Nick too, which ended up working out well because then I didn't have to babysit. I actually don't think I would have had to even if Nick wasn't there because Ryan was pretty social.

Basically I had a great night last night. There was no drama (that I know of) and everyone had fun and got along, and I got to see Ryan and he was great with me. I'm just being very wary of things with him, or trying to be, because I like him more than I probably should right now and I'm trying to guard my feelings in case he gets weird again. We talked and everything so things should be fine, but once I have a reason not to trust it takes kind of a lot to get the trust back. So like I said, I'm trying to be very wary with him, but it's not the easiest thing to do when he's great when I'm with him and makes me forget why I was upset to begin with.

In completely unrelated news, I still have no job but I have to put that on hold anyway because, lucky me, I have to get my wisdom teeth out asap. My family is already planning out how I'm going to be on painkillers based on how they've seen me when I'm slap happy and over tired, it's going to be pretty amusing. I'm going to be in a lot of pain based on where the teeth are though, which isn't fun at all. So since I basically have to take a week off to do that I have to wait on the job hunting at least until I know when my surgery is. I have a few more places to apply to, so hopefully one of them works out since I need money really really badly.

I revoke my last entry because boys are stupid for no reason. End statement.

So this may be  a bit premature but I'm going to write it anyway. I met a guy the other night and he's very cute, very sweet, we can talk for a very long time (which we proved last night) and it's going well.

I met him at my church because my mom made me go to help at the lock-in for the 2 youth groups. I did not want to go at all because there just aren't hardly any people my age who go to that church so I figured I'd be really bored. I was bored for the first half of the night because my job was to watch the doors and make sure no kids snuck out so I was sitting by the door from like 7 until 12 or so. So part way through the night this guy walks in I've never seen at church before, so he got a name tag since everyone needed one and I was just slightly curious about him since he was cute & my age. Later in the night we got to talk for a while & played the wii for a bit with this other leader Emily, and then he got my number, yada yada.

So we planned to hang out at some point this week, but then he texted me yesterday instead & totally broke the 3 day guy rule that I thought applied to every guy, lol. So last night we hung out all night and talked and watched movies and it was just really nice.

I've been so caught up with trying to figure out money issues & job stuff and what I want to do with my life that finding a guy was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't even trying to find one or anything because how was I going to when the only place I go besides church was the gym? But then one just ends up right in front of me and so far it's going well. Granted it's only been 2 days, but we have plans for this week already so we'll see how it goes. And for all of you who are like "oh gag" now from reading this, I'm deeply sorry, lol

Places I have applied to in the last week: 6

Places I have heard back from: 0

... this is not working out so well it seems. Which is bad because if I don't get a job in the next month the phone is going to have to be turned off. *sigh* I don't want to grow up anymore! Being graduated sucks, lol.

I've been so back and forth lately about my life and where it will be starting to lead in a couple days when I go home finally. At first I was reluctant because I know it's not going to be easy. I still know it won't, but at this point I'm more than ready for it. I've been realizing more and more from being at BSC so much that I'm so beyond done with the drama and bullshit that happens here. I can't even believe how back stabbing some people can be to each other, it's insane. All people do is talk shit about each other and do stupid things to piss each other off and I'm frankly really sick of watching it happen and then sometimes get roped into it.

Last night was the final straw for me because 2 of my friends hurt me a lot and they don't even know it. I'm just sick of people not thinking before they do things. I guess that's just the maturity in me talking because I know I've made my fair share of dumb decisions. I'm not perfect in the least bit, but I just would think that people who have seen me make stupid decisions would know better than to repeat them. I don't understand how people can treat each other how they do. People who are friends shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around each other. They should be able to trust their friends with their lives, not have to be worried about getting hurt.

Basically I've realized who will care when I'm gone. There are a small few who will keep in touch and make sure i'm alive because they do in fact care about me. Granted I might not have all of them in my life forever because people move on, but I know that for now I do have a few people I can count on. I've come to the realization that I just need to focus on these few and hold on to them because the other people don't matter. People don't need to keep fair weather friends in their lives because I'm too old for that shit now. I'm moving on with my life and I refuse to be bogged down by people who cause my more problems than I need.

So even though stuff in my life from now on is going to be hard and probably stressful as usual, I have new perspective and I hope that leads to something good for me. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few weeks or months or years but I'm finally anxious to find out.

These past couple weeks have been nutso and stressful as all hell. I've been dealing with not knowing where I'm going to sleep every night because of stupid Ideal Husband and ACTF. Since I don't have a car (or license but who's counting) I've been having to hobo it up in bridgewater and stay at people's places and sleep wherever so I can go to rehearsals for ACTF. I don't leave for ACTF until Tuesday and our rehearsals started on like the 9th or something, so it's been a long couple of weeks.

The first week I was staying with Melanie sleeping on an air mattress on her floor. Mel lives in a boarding house for girls so her landlord was going to make me pay 10 bucks a day to sleep on the floor she pays 400 a month for. I couldn't afford that so Melanie was going to pay it, which is ridiculous and unnecessary. It turned out she didn't have to after all though but I still had to live like a prisioner there cuz if I left her room I couldn't get back in, and I couldn't use the kitchen without Melanie there. So that lasted from Sunday the 11th until Thursday the 15th, where I had to go stay with Reo for a while since Melanie had plans she failed to tell me about before picking me up. So then I stayed at Reo's from thursday til sunday, which turned into monday due to the snow. Staying there was fine cuz I got an actual bed and got to go out and everything. Then i got back to melanie's, had rehearsal, then went sledding with alley & ended up sleeping in her room that night and the next night, then back to mel's wednesday, then at another friend's thursday, and then friday afternoon I moved all my stuff to Stephen's since Melanie had to go to NY for an audition.

The situation at Stephen's is as follows: i have an air mattress in his common room to sleep on, which deflates so I have to make a nest out of like 6 pillows and sleep on that. The heat is controlled in Eric's room, so it's freezing, I can't really leave cuz then I can't get back in, not even into his suite cuz they need their cards to get back in, and as of Saturday morning my allergies have been kicking my ass. So I'm sick, lacking sleep, cold, and trapped, lol. Stephen has been doing his best though and he's been feeding me so I'm not complaining. Alley has been feeding me too otherwise I'd probably be starving with the little amount of money I have.

I honestly don't know how I've survived this long. it's incredibly insane and torturous to have to rely on other people to decide where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do basically 24/7. I think I'll be a little better at ACTF when I have my own room key and the festival hotel is right across the street so I can leave whenever I want and such. But then I have to get back here for graduation and back up there after which is a task all its own. These past few weeks have been crazy and not necessarily the best, but it's definitely been an experience if nothing else.

The hardest part of all of it though is dealing with Mike. We're back in a show together and he's not even speaking to me now and barely even looking at me. It's not only really immature but it's driving me insane. We're in a show together and we have the same friends so clearly him not speaking to me is awkward. I tried to talk to him the other night but it didn't work out too well. That only resulted in him saying hi and bye to me for one day afterwards. I can't stand the fact that I still like him  and that he's ignoring me on top of it for no reason, I just don't know what to do about him. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and it'll be over soon.

I never really get it when it gets to New Year's and people are like "hello new year, the last one sucked!" as if all the problems from the day before just go away. I can understand wanting to make a new, fresh start at things and having new year's be a good time for that to happen, but it's not like everything automatically changes just because you're writing '09 instead of '08.

I know my life definitely works that way because the day after new year's I'm still feeling the same way as I did the day before. I still have no clue what I want to do with my life (which makes me nervous), I still am having trouble sleeping (and I don't really know why), and I'm still having trouble getting over him (because boys suck and make girls miss them).

I hope to be turning over a new leaf of my own, but the time for that will come after ACTF is over since I won't have any time for anything before then. Rehearsals for Ideal Husband start a week from Sunday, we go until the 24th, in the midst of that I have Irene Ryan stuff, and then I go to ACTF the following Tuesday having to leave from there to even graduate. It's going to be a crazy time with me sleeping even less because of my living situation for that time and I still have to work out the kinks for days when I have to find elsewhere to stay for the night among other things.

However, I'm glad I get to go to ACTF. I'm glad I get to act once more before I have to figure out the rest of my life and I'm glad I don't have to take monotonous classes I don't want to be taking in the midst of that. I know I need to move on with my life, and even though that scares the crap out of me, I'm glad it's happening. I'm very glad it's happening in small steps or I'd probably severely freak out.

I'm going to have a hell of a time figuring out how to get a job with no car once ACTF is over too, so if anyone has any suggestions then puh-lease let me know, lol. Getting on that is going to be an issue. I also want to redo my room somehow but I have no idea how yet. It's really hard to change around a tiny room when you can only move the bed 2 different places, 3 if you want even less room. Moving things around will make me feel a little better though so that's what matters.

So basically I'm at a crossroads in my life, only the roads all have bridges that are all closed for construction and I have to figure out another way around or something. Either that or I need to jump in there and help finish a bridge so I can get through. But enough with the bridges, I just need to figure out my next move. Any suggestions are always welcome. I just hope something becomes clear to me soon.

For the past few weeks I have been randomly getting into these kind of down moods, usually once I'm back in my room from wherever I am and have too much time to think. I've also had this knot in my stomach ever since the last performance of Ideal Husband. And why is this you might ask?

I'm graduating from college.

So. Scary. I really don't know where the years went. Right now I feel like they just flew right by, especially this semester. I've been packing up my room today because I leave tomorrow to go home and I'm just really sad. I know I should be happy to be moving on with my life but things at school for once are really good as far as friends are concerned. For the first time in like 2 years I'm not having to avoid someone (unless you count exes) and it's just really nice. Not only am I not fighting with anyone, I've been actually hanging out with and having conversations with the person I was fighting with for 8 months. It's soo weird, not only to me but to other people who have told me.

But my main point is that I am freaked the hell out. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I have no plans as of yet and don't have the means to put any plans into order either. I need to get a job but I have to wait until after ACTF because what's the point of getting a job and then having to take off about 3 weeks? So I was planning on having a nice little nest egg of money from work here to help me until I get a job and the school screws me out of it. Because the school has a stupid system I lose $200. That makes complete sense. Not only that, but part of the money they already put into a paycheck for me so I have to give it back. Excuse me? Bizarre. So no money, no plans... I'm at a loss.

I'm just having a really hard time leaving my safety net of school where I have constant access to people and whatnot. I like getting into bubbles and never leaving them, which is a thing I'll have to get over. This part of my life though was just so life changing. Not only because of people and events that have occurred over the years, but here I decided what I want to do for the rest of my life and I've flourished in that. I'm never one to toot my own horn as far as my talent is concerned, but I'm pretty sure when you're told you're good by a lot of people then you can finally accept it. I love acting with every fiber of my being. I've only been done with Ideal Husband for a few weeks and I'm already craving doing another show. When I'm in a show, no matter how frustrating the process is, I don't notice because I'm happy just to be doing what I love.

I guess it's just hard to know what you want to do and not know how to get there as quickly and painlessly as possible. A couple weeks ago I was most content with my life I think. I was performing, I wasn't fighting with anyone, I was seeing a guy I really liked, and I wasn't thinking about having to graduate and move on. I only have one of those now (the not fighting thing) and it's hard to accept I think.

The other part that really knocked me over this week was that one of our theater teachers, Henry, died of cancer on Monday. That was really a kick in my ass showing me that life does in deed move on no matter how much you try to prevent it. I wasn't as close to Henry as some of my friends were, but he was the one who really gave me my first chance here acting. He gave me my first lead in a show. Not only that, but my first lead in Shakespeare, which I promptly fell in love with from there on in. Henry was such an incredible, brilliant man who was one of my mentors in this department. It hasn't really sunk in for me yet that he's gone. I think that's because I haven't exactly lost a lot of people so I never know what it's like, which isn't a bad thing to have.

So graduating. The next step. It's a really big step for me, personally, to take but I'm at that point now. Whoever said moving on was easy?

I've been in like, this weird haze for the past couple weeks. I don't know if it's because I'm graduating soon or the haze is from me trying to ignore that fact, but it's really weird. It makes my moods completely all over the place. I'll be wicked silly and goofy one minute and then really quiet and a little sad the next. I guess it's just my brain battling with itself about moving on. I know I need to move on, it's time and I need to stop getting stuck in these safety nets of life. But at the same time, it sucks that i have to leave right when everything is really really good here. And I mean really good. Maybe it wouldn't feel that way if I wasn't leaving, who knows. I do know though that it sucks to have this and then possibly have it all taken away soon. I'm trying to enjoy it while I'm here, but it's hard for me to live in the moment and not think about what's to come in the future, especially since that future is only 2 weeks away.

Of course life is never fair, especially with my track record in life, but I just wish for once things will work out for me. I like being happy, it's a really nice change. Being able to wake up with a smile on my face rather than needing people to cheer me up and put it there later in the day is a really nice change. Of course there is one person in particular who puts the smile there... but even he confuses me, lol. Not that guys being confusing is anything new for me. I guess I just can't get used to things being easy for once. Not that everything is considering I owe the school money and haven't paid them wait. Woops. I'm working on that though. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see how things go. Hopefully they turn out how I want them to though, just for a change.